1. You brush your teeth with ketchup instead of regular toothpaste.
2. Your only source of Vitamin C is orange Kool-Aid.
3. Your Timberlands cost more than your rent.
4. You ask for separate checks at McDonalds.
5. Every bill you have is in a different family member’s name.
6. Your 3 month old has more credit cards in their name than you do.
7. Your grocery list only consists of 100 lbs of sugar and spiced ham.
8. Every DVD you own is burnt or bootleg.
9. You claim other family member’s kids on your taxes.
10. You drive a Lexus and still live in the hood with your momma.
11. The Lexus is in your momma’s name.
12. Your idea of an expensive dinner is Red Lobster.
13. Your first date was at Red Lobster.
14. Your first name begins with La and ends with sha, qua, dra, fa, or ka.
15. You only shop at stores your family works at to get their discounts.
16. You have a cell phone but you don’t have a job.
17. You live in a building where only one person is paying for cable.
18. When a bill collector calls you tell them you No speaka English.
19. You serve guests with plastic silverware and paper plates on Thanksgiving.
20. You have every plastic cup that McDonalds ever made.
21. You wash the plastic containers from the Chinese restaurant and use them as dinnerware.
22. You have more milk, cheese, eggs, and Juicy Juice than other groceries.
23. Everybody you know goes by a nickname like Bookie or June bug.
24. You go by a nickname.
25. Your favorite movies are Boyz in da hood and Friday.
26. You only watch the news for the sports highlights and lotto numbers.
27. You only put $3.23 cents in the car to keep the tank just above empty.
28. You wear goose down jackets and timberland boots in the summer.
29. You have more hoodies, wife beaters, and kicks than dress clothes.
30. The only trees you see in your neighborhood are the ones you smoke.
31. You know what time it is by the show that’s on BET.
32. You think the dictionary is a board game.
33. You have chrome rims, a Bose stereo, and TV monitors in the headrests of your brand new Hyundai.
34. You only go to church on Easter.
35. You buy two cans of Raid every time you go grocery shopping.
36. You live on Martin Luther King Jr. blvd in any city.
37. You write a check from a closed bank account.
38. Every check you write is post dated and you already know you won’t have the money to cover the amount by the date on the check.
39. Every piece of furniture in your house was handed down from a family member and it was from Rent-A-Center.
40. You have every episode of Martin on VHS.
41. You put sugar on your Frosted Flakes.
42. You wear Luis Vuitton and Sean John while riding the bus or the train.
43. You buy your Luis Vuitton and Sean John from a crack head named Tyrone.
44. The only credit cards you have are pre-paid.
45. Your bank said no and Champion said hell no.
46. Your wedding gown was made from Polyester by your Grandmother and it was in leopard print.
47. Your wedding reception was in a community center, catered by White Castle, and the wedding cake was made of Krispy Kreme doughnuts.
48. You hang up sheets in the windows instead of curtains or blinds.
49. You let three of your friends in on one movie ticket.
50. Your baby’s pampers come in a case of 1000 and only cost $9.99.
51. You think your neighbor is rich if they have a 3 bedroom apartment and only 2 people live there.
52. You fry your bologna on the radiator.
53. You recycle your laundry detergent.
54. The only dogs you have are pit bulls and Rotweilers who are named King, Killer, or Tyson.
55. You have to meet the pizza delivery guy two blocks from where you live and he needs a police escort.
56. Your grandmother is only 20 years older than you.
57. You have an Uncle Junebug or a cousin Pooky.
58. You carry around your own bottle of homemade hot sauce.
59. You think the family from Good Times really lived in Chicago.
60. The cost of your hair weaves are more than your monthly light bill.
61. You can’t even get credit at a store where no credit check is required.
62. They know you by your first name at the abortion clinic.
63. You don’t even need to take a number when you go to Social Services.
64. Jerry Springer is your favorite daytime talk show.
65. The softest bed in your house is inflatable.
66. You’ve ever said, My child is 1 years old.
67. You’ve ever said, Happy St. Valentimes day.
68. You’ve ever said, Here come the Ambalamps.
69. You eat corn flakes out of a salad bowl.
70. Your roaches get mail.
71. You turn your glasses, cups, plates, and bowls upside down to keep the roaches out.
72. You have Chinese slippers, bandanas, and doo rags in every color.
73. You do your major grocery shopping at the corner Bodega.
74. Your good towels have a big letter H or M on the bottom of them.
75. You think Santa comes to the hood.
76. You hit the lotto and never move out of the hood.
77. Your first purchase after hitting the lotto is a pre-owned Cadillac.
78. You tell your boss you are half Jewish to get more days off from work.
79. You can sing a rap song quicker than you can recite the alphabet.
80. You’ve ever stolen another family’s reunion T-shirt to eat the free food.
81. Even after getting to work late, you still sit down and eat your breakfast.
82. You have a big white powder patch on your chest after taking a shower.
83. You go to the doctor and bring someone else’s urine.
84. Your dream job is to be the night shift manager at Walmart.
85. You have more DVD’s and video games than books.
86. You’ve ever brought someone on Maury Povich for a paternity test.
87. You try to sell your bootleg material to family at family functions.
88. You take the free condoms from the clinic so you don’t have to buy any.
89. You pay the minimum balance on every bill.
90. You ask if they have lay-a-way at expensive department stores.
91. You tell everyone you are having twins to get more baby shower gifts.
92. You go to Ethan Allen and ask for a table for two and a menu.
93. You drink half the slurpee then fill it up again before paying for it.
94. You eat 3/4 of your meal at a restaurant then say you didn’t like it.
95. You buy an outfit, leave the tags on, wear it that night, and try to return it the next day funky and stained.
96. Your email address has the words sexual chocolate, hood, or nigga in it.
97. You think the Negro National Anthem is “Pimpin Ain‘t Easy.”
98. You think Jesus lives in Spanish Harlem.
99. Your blood test results come back positive for Crisco.
100. You think Harlem is the capital of New York.
101. You ask your friend for the answers on the McDonalds application.
102. You try to use food stamps in a vending machine.
103. You call in sick on payday then go in to pick up your check.
104. You bake Kraft Mac and Cheese and tell people it’s homemade.
105. All of your hangers say “We love our customers” on them.
106. You get all your Christmas presents from Family Dollar.
107. You only paid $20 for a 200 piece ware product set.
108. You don’t know what a ware product set is.
109. You only read this because it is all about jokes.
